“Twilight” Series reviews–all of them together

Twilight series reviews
November 30, 2009 · Leave a Comment

From the Top Everyone. *Spoiler Alert* These reviews contain information that may give away important bits of the Twighlight series books and may actually save some from rotting their brains!

Twilight (Twilight, #1)
by Stephenie Meyer

Rating: meh, blah, bad writing, editor was napping
bookshelves: Read (sadly)

read count: not quite 1 because I didn’t finish it–it was THAT BAD

recommended for: people with insomnia
recommended by: it was everywhere like a bad rash

review: A No-star rating all around.

This book was nauseating. First of all, it’s a good thing Ann Rice denounced her vampire fiction because I think she would have a problem with many, MANY of the similarly turned phrases repeatedly belched out by Ms. Meyer.

Secondly, all right, we get it! “Forbidden love brushes his icy lips along her jaw line and neck…” Perhaps it titillated a couple of vacuous readers the first or second time, but after the seventeenth brushing of icy lips along the bumbling heroine’s jaw or neck, I wished Edward would have had done with it and killed her off completely.

Third: the adults are all complete morons, the missing links who are used as hand-puppets for Ms. Meyer’s  weakly flagging tale. Also, there is not one shred of a frightening moment in this heap of bum-wad. The evil are neither predatory nor menacing and the only reason the idiotic heroine finds herself in her boring perils is because she either bumbled along mindlessly into deep woods  and dark alleys (well no, to be fair, she was HERDED into the alley like the brainless lamb that she is) or she manages to stumble, fall, trip, splat, etc, etc, etc, etc, (for 94 more pages) into the circle of boring vampires who very likely got tired of shopping at Abercrombie and Fitch and decided to hassle the dull lump of a girl. Such a lump she is that she that she can do absolutely nothing by way of defense ecxept stand there slack-jawed and full of mild wonder. Things just happen to her and for reasons unknown to anyone except Ms. Meyer, she appears to have some sort of mythical-sexual hold on the good vampire! Something about her irresistible smell.

Last: The only reasons I read as far into this pile of rubbish was to see how much the author lifted from Ms. Rice and so see if she actually wrote poorly for the entire novel. Unfortunately she did. That this has taken such a grip on the heaving breasts of the tweens and teens of America shrivels my bowels.

Twilight #2: New Moon
December 2, 2009 · Leave a Comment

My review of New Moon, the second book is the dismal Twilight series.

rating: No stars (out of 5 stars)

bookshelves: Read (angrily)
read count: 1 and I could barely get through it!
recommended for: best use: line your out house or septic system with it
review: ** spoiler alert ** There is no respectable or decent rating symbol for this crap put into book form.

Shame on you parents for letting your vulnerable daughters read this! If this is their introduction to romance and love in literature, you had better double lock your doors and windows and install a firey moat around your home because you will not like what your daughters bring home as a first boyfriend….a fair warning.

So here in the second installment: we have the idiot girl moaning and moping about getting old by turning seventeen!!!!! She should have just ended it there and jumped in front of a slow moving freight train. Please.

Instead she’s hosted (but not fanged to death as I hoped and prayed) by a gang of noble vampires a party where she manages to cut herself (yes, silly old Bella trips, falls, bumps, hurtles herself down a staircase, now cuts herself) which gives them all a nose-full of her apparently irresistable odor which causes an abrupt end to her party and the removal of the vampire clan from Forks, Oregon. YAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!

No, sorry, we get THREE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY pages of snivelly, drivelly diary-diarrhea. Again, parents, please shelter your daughters from this nonsense! You will thank me.

Is there a glimmer of hope with Jacob? Did someone smash Ms. Meyers on the head and take over her typewriter to make an interesting character? Maybe but then he or she ran out of ideas and just made EXPLODING werewolves. Too bad. Note to self: why werewolves explode so much?

We don’t have much time to ponder that because Ms. Myers returned to her keyboard despite her obvious brain injury and continued the saga: somehow Bella develops superhuman powers and the ability to take international flights without going through customs, being questioned by security, having her belongings searched, developing indigestion from airport food, looking like hell when she lands…you get it. And she reunites with her man. If that wasn’t bad enough, we get to suffer through several thousand more pages of perfect love declarations, swearing to commit suicide if they ever part again, twinkling sparkling breath- taking good looks on his part, an irresistible odor on her part and the torture continues.

Ms. Meyer unabashedly lifts her material from Romeo and Juliet (the Bard can’t sue her), Interview with a Vampire series (Ann Rice doesn’t care if it doesn’t have anything to do with the Pope) and Teen Glamour Magazine (will their editors please wake up and reclaim some of their copy write???). This bad writing and it’s success astounds me. It is like really bad junk food, addicting and all-consuming but so bad for your brain–really! Doctors have done brain scans on people who have read Stephanie Meyers’s “Twilight” series and found that brain matter actually changes from neurons and white matter to and polyester and fat!!!
You, dear readers and parents of teens and tweens have been warned!

Twilight #3 Eclipse
December 4, 2009 · Leave a Comment

my review for Eclipse (Twilight #3)
rating: This is a really bad rating

status: Read (in an outraged state)
read count: 1, just for spite
recommended for: barnacles and plankton
review: The symbol that I wanted to use for how bad New Moon was (but doesn’t exist)? Make it a tick more obscene to rate this bit of offal.

Ann Rice! You are not allowed to receive one crumb of communion wafer until you berate Ms. Meyers for stealing your writing! Emily Bronte can’t rise from the grave to denounce her for all the literary thefts of Wuthering Heights! You must do something to stop this drivel from seeping into the collective consciousness of our future women leaders, philosophers, engineers, physicians, teachers, wife, mothers, adult women!

Well if Ms. Rice will not respond, I must do my best: Eclipse does not fail in it’s author’s quest to make the crappiest teen romance/fantasy series. It opens with the dull lump of a heroine Bella in a bit of a quandry: trying to decide between a vampire or a werewolf–we know she’s torn because she sighs and cries a lot. As if that’s not tough enough, she also had to think about graduation! (I think she was on the committee to chose the class song and she didn’t want to let the group down). Thankfully, she doesn’t have to decide on a college! Edward decided on Dartmouth for her–whew! Now if only I knew getting into Dartmouth was so easy…oops, sorry! This isn’t about me is it?

But crap! There’s much ado beyond the whiney, sobbing, petulant, hiccupping and ever-needing-to-be- carried-around-because-she-can’t-successfully-put-on- foot-in-front-of-the-other Bella and the boring-brooding-beautiful but controlling Edward. An evil vampiress is creating a legion of bloodthirsty vampires who are munching upon the politically correct citizens of Seattle, WA!! Oh no! The only way to stop the Evil Victoria is for Edward, Bella and Jacob to join their collective wonder-triplet powers ACTIVATE! If Ms. Meyers could have just stopped there, this novel wouldn’t be so bad.

Eclipse enters a new level of Keep Your Daughters Away From This warning. Parents, please consider placing an electric shock device in this book if your daughter pines for it. Why? It is repetitive, bad writing–pages and pages and pages of it that indoctrinate your daughters to a lifetime of reading bad literature. There’s also the fact the the heroine is absolutely and constantly controlled by her love’s desire–a much older man who tells her what to do, who withholds affection if she gets out of line, who decides her future and how she will live it. The only time in this series that Bella actually takes some initiative is when she decides she really, really wants to have sex with Edward. But that just can’t happen! according to the one who decides everything about Bella! She might die if they consummate their love while she is a human–he would actually kill her with…what???. Stephanie Meyers of all the words you wasted on us with your stupid, repetition of Edward’s gorgeous qualities, you completely skipped enlightening us on what’s going on with the magnificence of Edward’s manthing and why Bella might die if they do the deed.

Oh yeah, and then there’s that unfortunate date-rape scene when Jacob and Bella decide to remain friends. But, you know, Jacob is so cute and funny, so no big deal right? Seriously?? We’re all fine with that?

I could go on ad nauseum about the stupidity of these books and how they just get worse and worse. The writing a poor and the editing is worse. The messages ceaselessly and repetetively sent to are the greatest of all of what is wrong with these books: A heroine who lets everything happen to her, obliviously uninvolved parents, a controlling, angry and manipulative older man boyfriend, a violent second boyfriend and a vacuous plot filled with one-dimensional, unfleshed secondary characters that propel these nitwits through too many pages of drivel.

Twilight #4 Breaking Dawn
December 4, 2009 ·

Breaking Dawn (Twilight, #4)
by Stephenie Meyer

rating: this is the worst of all the 4 books

status: Read (gratified, she didn’t let me down, it really is the worst one in the series)
read count: 1 for deeper spite and to finish my scathing reviews.
recommended for: no one, I am trying to save the planet from Twilight
recommended by: vegetable matter
review: Dear Artist Who is Now Prince But Used to Be A Symbol of Something That Didn’t Exist: could you conjure or imagine a symbol for utter loathing boredom, stupidity and slight acid indigestion? Then I could use it for a rating for this crappy book. Thanks.

All right, here it is, the final book of the worst popular writing that has ever taken hold of the heaving bosoms and loins of our future. I’m glad it’s over but I think I’ll miss disliking this so much.

Stephanie Meyer, what went wrong? Was it that you had a good idea that took off and made a ton of money when it first came out? Got the movie deal with the big stars and everyone around you saw nothing but dollar signs and let you just ramble on and on and on (for like 2300 pages or so) about your fantasy world? You really needed someone around you who actually cared enough to tell you to when your ideas are off, when things get really stupid and when hobos with 2 teeth and 3 brain cells make more sense than you do. This might sound harsh but you’d have come off much better in the long run.

Breaking Dawn opens with the impending nuptials of the boring lump of a girl to her gorgeous (stated 976 times) sparkling (1095 times) brooding (612 times) and handsome (13,429 times) Edward. It’s kind of a rush thing because the only reason Bella wants to marry is so she can have sexual relations with her heart’s desire, even though he could kill her if he has sex with her. They marry, do the deed, it’s gooooooood for her, he eats a pillow and it should have ended there on page 398.

But no, Ms. Meyer dives into her arsenal of Ann Rice novels (before Ann Rice became Sister Beneficence Pope Highbrow) and pulls out a pregnancy and birth that recalls The Mayfair Witches. The kid that becomes an adult before she’s two because it’s inconvenient for Bella to actually be a mother (Incidently, that stupid name Renesmee? Threw up in my mouth when I read it). Ms. Meyer keeps Bella’s 2nd love interest close at hand which both emasculates and makes a pedophile of Jacob. Edward just goes around in “cold anger” or with “icy rage” or is just plain “chillingly aloof” because there isn’t much else he can do while Bella-Mary Sue gets all Stephanie Meyer’s dreams for a happy ending. Never mind that none of it makes sense, or even flows well. Spelling and grammar are also cast aside in this crazy rant/fantasy. Forget about  all the author herself staged for Vampire existence in the preceeding novels; the rules and regulations of Twighlight”world unravel in Breaking Dawn to propel boring old Bella into the realm of  Miss Super Vampire!!! who loves her life and rules her world (give it the old Z-snap! here, Bella).

Even the conflict, the supposed epic battle to save their daughter or die trying ends with an utterly lame scenario that plays out something like, “Oh, I see, a complete misunderstanding, let’s all be friends after we kill an insignificant and evil person.” How boring! After reading 17,563 pages of complete drivel, this is what her faithful readers are served?

Clearly Stephanie Meyer became completely enamoured of her main character and took advice from all her teen fans In the Twilight chat room at how to bring this series to the “bestest” ending EVER!!!!!!!!!!!! to page 756.

I admit I skimmed through this heap in many places to try to extract the main ideas and the only reason I stuck through these books to the end is to see if Stephanie Meyer could possibly redeem herself in her final book. She didn’t which wasn’t a surprise to me. What did astonish me was how bad the last installment really was! At times I felt I was reading the rushed midnight scribblings of a high school student who had a major paper due in the morning but more frequently (and worse) it was like reading a juvenile diary of a slightly unbalanced girl who dreams up a fantasy life where everything cool happens to her.

I predict (hope, pray) the Twilight hysteria will phase out quickly after the last movie is done. Those who star in the movies will get really fat and boring (well that annoying chick who plays Bella will get fat, she’s already  as exciting as drying paint on her best day) and that their teeth will turn to something resembling  baked kidney beans.

Stephanie Meyer, please pull your head out of your proverbial fantasy-girl bottom and write something original if you’re going to continue to get published. The reading public deserves way better than what you’ve given us thus far.

Like this review? yes 92 votes no 54, author received notice to keep 90 feet or greater away from S. Meyer


About EF Sweetman

writing, reading, pretty much everything noir
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1 Response to “Twilight” Series reviews–all of them together

  1. Pingback: Don’t Read These Books: Our Least Favorites of 2010 | this – a literary webzine

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