Dear Tina Brown:
I must decline the invitation to the Nuptials of THE DAILY BEAST to NEWSWEEK MAGAZINE. I’m busy that day…getting my hair washed…or no, my cousin from Indiana is vistiting…wait, better, QVC is showing an afternoon cavalcade of their Diamonelle Jewlery and I just can’t miss it.
You see through my lame excuses? All right, I’ll tell you the truth because it’s obvious none of the witchy, skeletal syncophants that surround you have enough intestinal fortitude to give it to you straight–your gleefully prepared statement, “The metabolism of the Daily Beast will help power the resurgence of Newsweek, and Newsweek amplifies the range of talent and audience the Daily Beast can reach. The two entities together offer writers, photographers and marketers a powerful dual platform.” is consistantly met with a luke-warm, “Up to a point, Ms. Brown.”
Madame, this is a bad idea. You’ve aligned yourself with the Titanic. It’s big, it’s gaudy, it’s got a lot of fanfare and it’s going down.
I’m going to use this decline to further tell you how I feel because it’s been eating at me since you started up this idyll website of news and opionon which is mostly aggregated links to articles written by other news outlets and who’s original content is often peppered with accusations of plagiarism. You snatched the title of the best satirical novel written about journalism and plastered it on a mediocre website that is neither witty enough nor sharp enough to merit the moniker “The Daily Beast”. As I don’t know you well enough to compare you to Lord Copper, I can guess that your lackeys and yes-people have a reason not to talk you out of this unholy matrimony.
If you really are a devotee to Evelyn Waugh, please consider his biting short story, “Bella Fleace Gave a Party”. NEWSWEEK is most definitely the Bella Fleace of todays journalistic world. Obviously, she’s thrown enough money your way for you to agree to tart her up in the finest designer gown and smear layers of vaseline over the camera lenses to make her look good for the photos but it doesn’t change what she is: an aging, outdated dame who hasn’t been able to keep up with the frenetic pace of life–I mean really, in this lightening-fast internet age, news from last week is practically ancient history!
But if you insist on going through with it, what shall your blended name be? Something to distance yourself from my beloved Evelyn, I hope–still thinking about BEAST WEEK? How about NEWSBEAK? Just an idea for you to parade out to your love-muffin. And how will you blend the family? Oh my, will all those step-children get along or will a bunch of them be shipped off to private unemployment school? Hopefully your betrothed will be kinder to your kids than Evelyn Waugh was about his own children: “My unhealthy affection for my second daughter has waned. Now I despise all my seven children equally.” I have no doubts you’ll work yourself blind making this a happy, happy, happy merger. If you’re taking advice about the kids, I’m telling you, get rid of Meghan McCain–no brains, no original ideas and poor writing skills–she’s a bad influence!
While I apologized deeply for raining on your happy parade, I can’t tell you what a relief this has been for me to unload all the anger and outrage I’ve been feeling about your usurp of The Daily Beast. It still bothers me most people today will think of your website instead of SCOOP, but I think you’ll get your payback with the NEWSWEEK marriage. Pardon me? What’s that? I was never invited to begin with? Well, hmmmph.